Motherhood - “No One Perfect Way”

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each has different challenges, different abilities, different skills and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother in each family.” ~ M. Russell Ballard (LDS General Conference, April 6, 2008, PM Session)

This statement truly hit home for me. How often do we compare ourselves and our children to the other mothers and kids around us in our neighborhood, or at work, or at Church, or in our friendships and families or even in the blogosphere? I know I inadvertently do it more than I should.

But this quote spoke to my heart. It reassured me and brought me peace that I personally know, along with my husband and the help of the Lord, what is best for me and my precious little ones.

We all need to learn to better trust our own mother’s intuition, not what is said around us. Sure it can be helpful to glean as much information as we can from other sources, but don’t forget to tailor it to your own individual family.

“There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than that of motherhood.” ~ M. Russell Ballard

Like Father, Like Daughter

While helping Keri with an at-home school art project, I reminded her not to forget to do something. A few minutes later, she realized on her own that she still hadn’t done what I had already reminded her to do.

She then promptly and matter-of-factly exclaimed, “Oops. I’m just like Daddy. I forgot to do something.”

I laughed pretty hard, especially when I retold the story to Rudy later.

Apparently mommy’s never forget anything .

The Peace After A Storm

These last two weeks have been more than emotionally draining. In fact, they have been some of the toughest and bleakest moments I have endured in a long, long time. For a time I felt so incredibly alone and helpless that I wasn’t sure how we were going to make it. I had enough faith to know we would make it, but I just couldn’t fathom how.

But with the help and strength of the Lord we survived and now they are behind us. That is what matters. I know life still has many roadblocks and detours for us still to endure, but the fact that we made it through this particular refiners fire gives me the hope, faith and courage I need to weather the next one.

The afternoon of Saint Patrick’s Day started off like any other day, but things slowly went from annoying and bothersome to down right chaotic and hard to deal with. It all started when I was late getting out the door to pick Keri up from school because Cory was throwing a huge tantrum. However, once I managed to get to our van with a kicking and screaming three year old, I realized that our car battery was completely dead. Luckily my manager was home and able to help so I could finally get to the school to pick Keri up. Unfortunately she had also had a rotten day. Friend and classroom issues for a six year old first grader can be pretty traumatizing.

But to top all that off, my husband, who has already been struggling with dissertation woes, soon informed me that his PhD adviser had just let him know that within two weeks he wasn’t going to be able to fund us anymore. That meant that we had 11 days to find a new adviser, during Finals Week and Spring Break no less, or else we would lose our monthly stipend, our tuition payments and our health insurance. What a huge financial blow with no time to prepare, especially with the economy already in shambles.

I simply lost it and broke down in tears. That is when I wrote the post on how I wished so badly I could just temporarily check myself out of life. Pregnancy hormones and seemingly horrible life circumstances can be a challenging combination.

Somehow, though, over the next two weeks I manged to get through the motions of life while trying not to let worry and fear completely overwhelm me. The tears always seemed ready to fall. Thank goodness for concerned friends who sent emails, who hung out with me and listened to me vent and who brought us unexpected meals. Thank goodness for the support and love offered from family, even though they are hundreds and hundreds of miles away.

Door after door seemed to get shut on us as we desperately tried to find a new adviser who had funding to offer. And at the last possible moment, literally on the afternoon of the day of our deadline, a plan with Rudy’s old adviser presented itself.

So for at least one more quarter we have the funding we need.

And I have relearned, yet again, that the Lord will provide. He will always provide and open a window around you to let the light in, even when you think it will virtually be impossible.

I have now beaten another storm, another storm that was so fierce I thought it might consume me and swallow me. Yet it didn’t. It let up and soon the peace flowed in.

I feel overly grateful and humbled to have the Lord on my side, walking hand in hand with me, as I endure this journey called life.

My Drive Home From School Drop Off

Filling up the van with gas: PAINFUL

Indulging in a freshly made cup of hot cocoa: DELIGHTFUL

Driving while my son points out all the Cherry Blossom Trees: PRICELESS

Happy Easter!

I hope we are all able to find some quiet time today to reflect on the magnificent event we celebrate this Sabbath. It is truly a wondrous gift.

Checking Out

Sometimes I wish life came with the option of checking yourself out. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to pull yourself out of circulation for awhile and sit on an unused or perhaps even hidden shelf while you let all the dust that is in upheavals around you settle?

That’s where I am right now, and it’s a rough spot to be in. You feel helpless, especially when you are watching those around you, whom you deeply love, struggle to figure out up from down, left from right. You sob and break down in tears often … it probably doesn’t help that you are overly hormonal … but you are to the point where you are numb and past feeling. You don’t even know what you are supposed to feel anymore. You don’t even quite know which direction to even pursue in life because it seems like you have been on never ending detours. No longer are you sure which path is even the correct one to take.

But you know you need to be still and somehow hold on to just an ounce of hope. You hear hope leads to faith so you need to hope that the light will eventually come. That somehow, some obscure and previously unforeseen path will finally be lit, even if it is just lit dimly.

And while you attempt to calmly and strongly wait for that beacon and ray of light, and while you attempt to be a strength to those around you, you struggle to hold on … to move on … to keep your chin up and pointing towards God. He does know what is best for you and for your entire family, but that doesn’t mean the road getting to that point is going to be easy. It is going to be thorny. It is going to be refining. It is definitely going to build character.

And at times you will wonder why you keep putting one foot in front of the other. But that is when the Lord’s grace and tender mercies will come upon you, but you need to be the one to accept them and to hold on to them for all you are worth.

I am trying … I am really trying.

Image by Greg Olsen, “Be Not Afraid”

“Kneading” Energy Vibes

I am now halfway done with my second trimester, but I still seem to be waiting for that supposed energy burst to hit me … I don’t think it is coming anytime soon. I think this whole daylight saving time change has me thrown for a loop. And I am sure the stress from all the dissertation woes definitely isn’t helping either.

Regardless of the reasons, I still love to nap every moment I can … that is when my three year old little man allows me to. Today, though, I did have a little, tiny spark of an energy surge. Enough so that it made me get all domestic to make homemade bread. I think my craving for carbs had something to do with this getting accomplished.

If you lived closer, I would share a slice or two. Warm bread with honey and butter … pure heaven!

Dissertation Woes

As many of you know, my husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years.  Of those 10 years, he has been in school the entire time.

Honestly, this doesn’t bother me at all. I have always been 110% supportive of him getting all the education he needs. Currently he is in graduate school pursuing his doctorate degree in bioengineering.

However, by this time next year we are hoping that miraculously he will have earned his PhD and he will have a job lined up that he enjoys. But who knows what path God is going to direct us down. Right now we are just attempting to survive the next two weeks.

Before Rudy can successfully write and defend his dissertation, he needs to first pass a general exam. And in order to even take the general exam, he has to set up the date for that exam the quarter before he plans on taking it. Which means that by the end of this week he needs to somehow finish developing the mathematical equations he needs so he can finalize everything else before the quarter ends in a mere two weeks.

And if all the pieces of the puzzle don’t fall into place, then what? Do we take a leave of absence? Does he completely change courses to pursue a second Master’s? But what about his goal of teaching and doing research at a University? And at some point we need to move out of our teeny 2 bedroom, 800 square foot apartment, especially since a new little one will be joining us in the middle of July.

Can you feel our stress?!?!

We both feel completely overwhelmed, but we are trying to have faith and to remember that the reason we are even in graduate school is because we strongly felt like this was the path we were supposed to pursue.

I know I need to take a deep breath and remain prayerful and calm.

“Be still and know that I am God.” ~ D&C 101:16

Our Whirlwind Trip

We just recently got home from a six day whirlwind vacation to visit Rudy’s family. I suppose a better way to describe the trip is to call it a family reunion since this was the first time in nearly six years that we have all been together again. I even saw some of Rudy’s extended family that I had only met a couple of times and he and I have now known each other for 14 years!

It was definitely a jam packed family extravaganza with the baptism of a niece, the baby blessings of two nephews, and many long and enjoyable conversations as we all caught up on each others lives. I was even able to hang out with my younger sister and cousin who are attending BYU.

Eventually I will post some pictures of all the good times we had, but first I need to collect some photos from the ones who were snapping memories all weekend. However, here are a few pictures of us on Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake City. Can you tell how windy it was?

The Many Detours In Life

This cartoon lives on my fridge so I can see it daily. I have no idea when I first clipped it out of a newspaper, it had to have been at least 10-15 years ago. But that’s not really my point.

My point is life is always going to be full of detours. In fact, often times I think most of my life is a detour. But that doesn’t have to stop me from being happy and enjoying the ride I have been given.

I CAN learn to be a “truly happy person.” And that stems from gratitude, balance and keeping the proper perspective.

“Life is just like an old time rail journey … delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.” –Gordon B. Hinckley

Snips and Snails, And Puppy Dog Tails

It’s a Baby Boy

Due July 23, 2008

After enduring so many heart wrenching miscarriages, I have been really nervous about accepting this pregnancy even though it has been exactly what we have been hoping and praying for. Seeing him yawn today and move all around made it seem that much more real. It was also extremely reassuring to know that so far he looks healthy.

Friendship and Marriage

I just wanted to say a B*I*G thank you to all who commented on my post the other day. Sharing your words of wisdom and discipline insight were much appreciated. It also helped to know that I have so many supportive and caring friends out there. As cliche as it might sound, you are all truly amazing.

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I think it has been eons and then some since I last did a meme, but the other day the Duchess tagged me for the marriage one so I thought I would play along. After all, sometimes answering straight forward questions is much easier than writing a post of my own, especially when the writing progress is constantly interrupted by squabbling children. Someone has to be the referee.

How long have you been together? We will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this upcoming May.

How long did you date? (This response is a whole two or three posts in and of itself. Maybe this May I will write it all up. Until then, the Reader’s Digest version will have to suffice.) We met just a couple of days before our Freshman year of college. He liked me from the start, but in no way was I ready for another relationship after just getting out of one that wasn’t the best. So we hung out as “friends” for 7 months, or at least that was my explanation, and then we finally started dating. We ended up getting married after we had known each other for nearly 4 years.

How old is he? 31

Who eats more? Most of the time, he definitely eats more. He can eat all day long (he is a true garbage disposal), his sweet tooth is enormous, yet he never gains an ounce. Go figure.

Who said “I love you” first? He did. Before he said it, I had never even thought about it. Yes, I am a great romanticist - my how things have changed. However, not wanting to feel bad, I said it back. And then I realized I sincerely meant it.

Who is taller? Believe it or not, we are the same height, 5 feet 10 inches. OK, maybe I am a smidgen taller. So much for always wanting to marry someone taller than me

Who is smarter? Depends on the subject, but he is definitely a genius, hands down. I just love the fact that we enjoy talking about anything and everything and we always learn from each other.

Who does the laundry? I normally put it in the machines, but he always helps fold it and put it away. And he even puts all of his dirty socks and clothes where they belong. Yes, I know I am lucky.

Who does the dishes? Depends on who is not the laziest or busiest at the time, although he nearly always unloads the clean dishes with Keri’s help in the morning.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me.

Who pays the bills? Me, but we frequently talk about our finances so he knows where all the money is going.

Who mows the lawn? I wish we had a lawn.

Who cooks dinner? Me. However, if I asked him to, I am sure he would.

Who is more stubborn? This is a scary question. We both are … our poor kids.

Who kissed who first? He definitely kissed me first.

Who asked who out? Him again. Aren’t I helpful?

Who proposed? He did … twice in one night!

Who is more sensitive? Me, but I like the fact that he isn’t afraid to cry.

Who has more friends? I would say we were equal in this department, but he will claim I have more friends.

Who has more siblings? Me. There are 9 kids in my family and 4 in his.

**Feel free to play along. Let me know if you do, though, so I can come see all your answers.**