Right now I am feeling a bit like Lord Voldemort.
No, I am not craving immortality at the moment … unless that would help alleviate the sleep deprivation I am currently enduring … but I do feel as if my soul has been split into seven different pieces.
There’s a piece for Eli, a piece for Cory, a piece for Keri, a piece for Rudy, a piece for me, a piece that requires sleep and a piece that is trying to get everything else done – dishes, laundry, making dinner, running errands, making sure there is food in the house, etc.
I feel like my soul has finally been split one too many times and therefore, no matter how hard I try, I can’t adequately meet the needs of A.N.Y. of its pieces. I repeatedly keep falling short and in the meantime I am getting rather frustrated, especially when it comes to my relationships with Cory, Keri and Rudy.
Right now it seems nearly impossible for me to have any good and happy moments with them. And if there does happen to be a brief positive interaction, I seem to quickly mar it by getting bugged about one silly thing or another.
These relationships with my family members definitely are suffering, and I knew they would, but that still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
Getting married and then subsequently having my first and second child all were pretty monumental changes in my life, but I seemed to adjust to those changes rather quickly.
However, having my third child, even though he seems relatively sweet and mellow, has been one of the hardest changes for me so far.
Maybe I am just feeling abundantly overwhelmed today because the help I have had for the last three weeks is now gone.
Regardless of the reason, though, I realize I need be more patient … with myself and the rest of the family … I realize I need to think things though and process things more carefully, and I realize I need to listen better before reacting and jumping to conclusions.
But even though this is the way I know I should be operating, I can’t seem to get that same message across to my mouth, ears and brain.
Time.
I know I just need to give myself more time and I will. After all, these adjustments are a process, they don’t just happen overnight.
And even though this transition is proving to be quite challenging, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing with my life right now.
39 Comments
July 26, 2008 at 8:49 PM
At least you’re prettier than Lord Voldemort, right?
You are too funny. I’m glad that you vented because this is the very thing that I am terrified of for when baby 2 comes. Its good to know that other people are going through the same thing. But I’d hate for you to split your soul, so know that there are tons of people (me! me!) out there that want to help you feel more human! Tell me what day I can steal Cory from you, or can bring you din din or something. Or both! Hope you can get some sleep tonight! (or even tomorrow, when you have the house to yourself for 3 hours!)
July 26, 2008 at 9:01 PM
I think everyone goes through this when the third child comes. I know I did. And yes, I did eventually find balance. While I try to keep my TMI moments confined to my own blog, it is worth mentioning that I also had to find Celexa for about 6 months after baby #3. You don’t sound in the same place that I was (which is to say, you sound sanely overwhelmed), but just in case. How did I know I needed it? When I found myself exiting the Wal-Mart parking lot alone and thought, “Hmm…since no one else is in the car, maybe I should coast into oncoming traffic. I don’t think it would kill me, but it would give me a couple of days worth of sleep in the hospital while someone else took care of the kids.” I called my Dr. as soon as I got home.
Again, you don’t sound that desperate, but I will put it out there anyway as someone who has been there.
July 26, 2008 at 9:18 PM
Baby #3 is definitely the hardest to adjust with. Not because of the baby per se but there are now more children than adults, there is yet another different little personality to get used to, not to mention mama gets worn out easier for the first 6 months or so. Hang in there! You’ve taken the first step in realizing things aren’t quite up to par but as you said give it all time. It will eventually work out. It’s just the waiting for that to happen that makes it hard.
July 26, 2008 at 11:01 PM
It sounds like you are having feeling a lot of powerful emotions. When I am feeling insanely insane, I try to stop and think of the 4 A’s to help bring some clarity and peace to my frazzled mind and body. Awareness, Acknowledgment, Acceptance, and Action. I also use H.A.L.T. to help me understand why I could be feeling so crazy (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). I sometimes pray to my Higher Power and ask for His help, requesting for ______ (the negative) to be replaced with ________ (something positive), Thy will be done. (Sometimes He has even better ideas.) And since I am on a long comment roll…I’ll also share that write down three things I’ve done well that day and three things I’m grateful for. Someone used to tell me “feelings aren’t facts.” Anyway…enough of my long comment. Love you.
July 27, 2008 at 5:12 AM
I agree with the other comments; baby #3 is where the whole she-bang breaks down for a little while. I don’t know why, but I remember thinking how much harder it was adjusting to 3. I am happy to say that it passes – you’re right, you just need time. More time than you think you need, probably. (at least I did, anyway)
Hang in there – things will even out into a new kind of normal and you’ll get your life back.
Oh, and don’t worry, the kids and Rudy will survive intact
July 27, 2008 at 6:04 AM
Agreeing on the #3 thing. It IS harder, especially if #1 and #2 aren’t very old yet. You’re doing everything for everybody, and yes, you do feel split into too many pieces (GREAT analogy). Looking back, I don’t know how I did it, but I did. You will, too. Hang in there!
July 27, 2008 at 9:22 AM
Just know that you are COMPLETELY normal.
Love the analogy about Lord Voldemort! I felt that way, too.
July 27, 2008 at 11:50 AM
I found this site through the “raising country kids site” and after reading just this one post, I feel that we could be the same person. I have four boys ages 13,5,4,1 and a husband who works two jobs. I work full time, manage the children and house and somehow manage to have at least 1 or 2 extra kids each evening. My husband also coaches our son’s midget league football team, for which I am the team mom and taxi. I feel as though I am constantly pulled in a million directions and that nothing gets done effectively because I am constantly trying to do “just enough” to get by. The only thing I can offer to you is the comfort that may come from knowing that you are not alone in your feelings. I frequently feel pulled apart and frustrated by my lack of time. On those days, I just let the housework go, order a pizza and try to put everyone (including myself) to bed early. Then, I just do double duty the next day. It’s a crazy life, but it’s the one we’ve been given! Take a deep breath and know that your children love you…even if you aren’t perfect.
Kelly in WV
July 27, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Kinda funny, because everyone that I have talked to has said that the second is the hardest adjustment. Once you can handle two, the rest don’t shake life up too much…. So I am really nervous about having any others… having our second has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I can’t keep up. I can totally relate to your post…. how do you give, give, give and still have enough to do things for yourself- like shower, sleep, etc…. Its all so overwhelming at times!
July 27, 2008 at 3:05 PM
I’m so glad you recognize that you need to be patient with yourself too (if you hadn’t I so would’ve point it out!). Sleep deprivation really contributes to all the other issues, doesn’t it? The adjustment period might be a bit rougher this time but it will come, it really will. ~hugs~
July 27, 2008 at 3:06 PM
I remember after my third child was born it was very hard to give everyone the attention I really wanted to give them. Now, my kids are nearly 17, 14, and almost 7. I have an excellent relationship with them all, but it wasn’t always that way. We have had our ups and downs. I will pray that you will know Christ and rest in him. Let him take over, and remember that even when you can’t fully be there for each one of your kids (and husband!), God is there for them. It is good for them to learn to rely on him instead of Mom all the time.
Much Love,
Andrea
July 27, 2008 at 3:46 PM
Well, I’ll add one more echo to the third child phenomena. For some reason, adjusting to the third one was more difficult, and maybe it was because they were all so close together. Still, my fourth child was less than two years after my third. By then I had figured it out, and it was indeed time and patience with myself that got me through it — that, and being completely distracted by all the stuff I needed to get done on a daily basis. Best of luck. Things will get better.
KJ
http://nanadiaries.wordpress.com
http://interminablewriter.wordpress.com
July 27, 2008 at 4:29 PM
Just one more mom who had a heck of a time adjusting to child #3. So did my sister, and so did my mom. As my mother said, “Once you have three, you are outnumbered.” It is a big challenge to learn to meet their needs adequately, but you will adjust. Also, keep in mind that you need to meet their needs, but not necessarily their wants. It will get easier. I remember when my oldest turned 2 years, 9 months and could finally go to preschool. It was a good day for all of us. With #3, I didn’t send her until she was 4, because I knew by then how fast the time would fly, I really wanted to spend those extra moments with her. Now they are all in elementary school, and things are easier. Sure, I have to deal with cheer, football and soccer practice, school play rehearsals, PTA events and more, but at least I am sleeping. You will too. You sound so grounded, even in the midst of the turmoil. You will do just fine.
July 27, 2008 at 6:35 PM
Three was EXTREMELY busy for ,e as well. I remember feeling like I was a top, just spinning in a million directions without a chance to slow down. Good news, It does get better! And four doesn’t feel as overwhelming, Or maybe I’ve mellowed and don’t care that I have three little vagabonds running around without being dressed properly!
July 27, 2008 at 7:06 PM
I loved your Voldemort analogy! I feel like that so often. I think you got it right when you said, “Time.” Those first few months with a newborn are so time consumming. Add a husband and two other young children to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. Now that my third is over 2, I am finding my split parts easier to manage again. You’re not alone in your angst!
July 27, 2008 at 7:53 PM
Lucy! So well-written, thank you for putting it all down so perfectly. I understand what you are feeling all too well. Unfortunately.
hugs to you!
July 27, 2008 at 8:14 PM
I agree with Laura.. this was well written; nearly each of us as human beings can relate to this feeling at some point in our lives.
*hugs*
July 27, 2008 at 9:35 PM
thank you for sharing this. i do think that it helps to recognize that this is a transition–it won’t always be like this. i know that you feel like you are on a ledge right now, but many of your words showed your insight. my recommendation? try for a few days to be consistent about scripture study and prayer, even if everything else falls by the wayside. that was my coping strategy with my fourth and i found that it made a tremendous difference–and it is often the first thing to be abandoned when you’re feeling sleep deprived and pulled in a hundred different directions.
regardless, your last sentence shows that you know you are doing just what you should be right now. so remember that means that you can call on the powers of heaven to help you accomplish this great task!
you are an amazing mom–not an ordinary one.
July 28, 2008 at 12:07 AM
Time or time-out. Either one. It’s my new favorite way of dealing with my older two children who are trying to inflict “death by listening to fighting and tattling all day” on their mother.
My first two babies were the most difficult for me. These last two have been a breeze. Give yourself a few more weeks and I’m sure you will be feeling a lot more capable.
One thing I’m figuring out from reading blogs is that no one does parenting any better than I do so what do I have to feel bad about!
July 28, 2008 at 4:56 AM
I love the analogy too…but I don’t have any helpful advice or words of wisdom for you.
Just know that we are here, we are listening (ok, reading), and we are caring.
(((((((Hugs)))))))))
July 28, 2008 at 5:00 AM
My mom had seven and she has told me a million times that going from two to three was the hardest, biggest struggle of all.
I have a friend who is this amazing accomplished woman and one time when I was stressed out about stuff and had a baby in the house, she told me, “I always give myself eighteen months to get myself together after a baby. Yep, I say ‘no’ to new commitments or things I just can’t tackle that day, I ask for help even when I feel silly, and I allow myself to be a little crabby and a little unorganized.” I LOVED that, because if there are great and amazing women who have to shut down a little for eighteen whole months sometimes, it means I’m not crazy or as bad or as “behind” as I thought I was. Everything will fall into place. The other kids (and the husband) will be OK, and your relationships will come out of it stronger and better. Mostly what they need is for you to be present, which you are.
I know – sleep deprivation amplifies everything by about ten. Hang in there!!!
July 28, 2008 at 6:23 AM
Ah, sleep deprivation! Joy!
I’m sorry this is such a hard transition for you. I feel a lot the same. I feel that I have been snippy with my kids more often than not. It is hard to figure out how to get it all done and keep everyone happy and healthy. I hope you figure it out, soon. (And let me know the secret when you do!)
July 28, 2008 at 6:54 AM
I don’t have a newborn and I still feel torn! It’s normal, just remember, this too shall pass!
July 28, 2008 at 9:18 AM
I love reading your posts. I am trying to remember this for when my little boy comes sometime soon. Everyone gives me advice, but I really enjoy reading your posts.
July 28, 2008 at 10:18 AM
You know, #3 wasn’t all that bad for me, but that may be because I started taking Zoloft a couple of months before he was born…That definitely helped. But even with a little extra serotonin, it’s still quite an adjustment. It always is. With each new member of your family, the whole dynamic shifts–everyone’s role changes, and you have to rework all of your relationships, at least to some extent. Just being aware of the different “pieces” is good–and what it really does require is time. You’re definitely on the right track. That’s why I never really expect to accomplish anything before my baby is about 6 months old. I showered and got dressed today?! Awesome! Of course, all this perspective will probably fly right out the window sometime in the next three weeks when #4 arrives, but for now I’m trying to remind myself that I have done this before, I should be able to handle it again, right?
P.S. We’ve been thinking of you guys and missing you–now that my little brother has moved to the Seattle area, I hope to convince Greg that we need to head up there sometime for a visit. Well, maybe not for a few months. But it would be great to see you in person!
July 28, 2008 at 11:05 AM
“Right now it seems nearly impossible for me to have any good and happy moments with them. And if there does happen to be a brief positive interaction, I seem to quickly mar it by getting bugged about one silly thing or another.”
Oh, that hit home with me today! I have recently moved to Spain with my family (husband and two young daughters.) We are mostly having a fabulous time but there are days this week when I think we’ve all spent too much time together and need to settle down some and have some alone time or make some friends. I have reminded myself at least twelve times today that this is a great experience, one I worked hard to make happen, and of course it’s natural that we’re going to have some stress and not like being together!
I hope your stresses too will pass soon, and I look forward to reading your blog more often. (I’m new to blogging but am loving it! Find me at http://www.andrewsinspain.wordpress.com.)
Dee
July 28, 2008 at 1:06 PM
I pray that you get some good sleep soon. That alone can be hard! But I agree with you…I’m sure you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Hang in there.
July 28, 2008 at 2:38 PM
I’m feeling that way…just being pregnant! Not really feeling like I’m ready for number three…but too late now right? Good luck…I know it’s always the hardest (at least for me) in the beginning! When kids are newborns…that adjustment, no matter how many children you have…is really hard!
July 28, 2008 at 2:46 PM
I completely agree with Code Yellow Mom!!! Baby #3 was hard for me because I felt “out-numbered” but baby #5 has been a whole new feeling of not being able to get on top of things. Is it because there are so many more things that are going on in life with this size of a family? I keep having to remind myself that I never really feel like I am back on top of my game until they are about 1. So since my little one is only 5 months old, I can cut myself some slack and keep life a little slower these days. And maybe saying “no” to outside requests isn’t as hard as it used to be.
July 28, 2008 at 4:07 PM
I’m sorry the transition hasn’t gone very smoothly for you. I hope you find your groove soon.
July 28, 2008 at 8:13 PM
I’m here to say that my third was definitely my hardest adjustment time, but I’m also here to say that it does pass–in about 6 months.
I’m praying for you to make it through this. Sleep deprivation is the worst.
And yes, what you are seeing name wise and e-mail wise is correct. Go check it out!
July 28, 2008 at 11:03 PM
That is good that Eli is nursing better. I too need to work on my patience with dh and dd …
July 30, 2008 at 3:00 PM
I hope things get better soon. Know that we are always here to help out in any way we can!
July 31, 2008 at 12:14 PM
Alright, I am thinking the 2 children is enough for me!!! lol! I think you are right, give things some time. Let me know if I can help!
July 31, 2008 at 4:29 PM
This is a tough one. I learned early on that being too enmeshed with my kids didn’t help them or me, and I had to accept that they were their own people, and my job didn’t mean that they were a part of me, or vice versa. Just like on an airplane, you need to secure you own oxygen mask first.
I’ve heard a basketball defense analogy–baby 1 you double team, baby 2 you do man to man. Baby 3 you have to switch to zone.
August 2, 2008 at 6:57 PM
I really love how open and honest you are on your blog. It’s what keeps me coming back because I can just relate so much with everything you’re saying. And it’s nice to hear that other people are going through it as well. Makes me feel not quite so alone or not quite such a troubled parent.
August 6, 2008 at 7:24 PM
As I was reading this post I thought, “Wow, she really knows what’s going on and how to handle it” Then, you basically wrote the same thing. I feel the same way all the time: I know what’s wrong and what I should do, but implementing the changes and what my reactions are takes so much work!
Congratulations on your new little guy!
August 13, 2008 at 10:01 PM
[...] Time. Yes, I am still giving myself time and allowing myself to process this new realm I have entered. [...]
March 9, 2009 at 4:09 PM
[...] In fact, trying to juggle his nursing and napping schedule, Keri’s elementary school schedule, Cory’s preschool schedule and then trying to get to the gym every morning while also keeping the house running smoothly (dinners made, laundry done, shopping accomplished, etc.) and trying to fulfill church obligations while still being a happy and positive mother and wife has been pretty rough lately. I feel split once too many. [...]