March 18, 2008...10:35 pm
Checking Out
Sometimes I wish life came with the option of checking yourself out. Wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to pull yourself out of circulation for awhile and sit on an unused or perhaps even hidden shelf while you let all the dust that is in upheavals around you settle?
That’s where I am right now, and it’s a rough spot to be in. You feel helpless, especially when you are watching those around you, whom you deeply love, struggle to figure out up from down, left from right. You sob and break down in tears often … it probably doesn’t help that you are overly hormonal … but you are to the point where you are numb and past feeling. You don’t even know what you are supposed to feel anymore. You don’t even quite know which direction to even pursue in life because it seems like you have been on never ending detours. No longer are you sure which path is even the correct one to take.
But you know you need to be still and somehow hold on to just an ounce of hope. You hear hope leads to faith so you need to hope that the light will eventually come. That somehow, some obscure and previously unforeseen path will finally be lit, even if it is just lit dimly.
And while you attempt to calmly and strongly wait for that beacon and ray of light, and while you attempt to be a strength to those around you, you struggle to hold on … to move on … to keep your chin up and pointing towards God. He does know what is best for you and for your entire family, but that doesn’t mean the road getting to that point is going to be easy. It is going to be thorny. It is going to be refining. It is definitely going to build character.
And at times you will wonder why you keep putting one foot in front of the other. But that is when the Lord’s grace and tender mercies will come upon you, but you need to be the one to accept them and to hold on to them for all you are worth.
I am trying … I am really trying.
35 Comments
March 19, 2008 at 12:29 am
this was beautiful and i could feel your heart. YES i do wish i could just check out sometimes, it would be so easy to do that right? i am constantly reminding myself that through the trials of my life i learn more about myself, my strenghths, my weaknesses and how i would do things differently (or the same) when the next obstacle confronts me. it is so hard sometimes to just put one foot infront of the other and trudge along, stumble, fall brush yourself off and get back up. You are not alone, none of us are, but you already know that. In addition to your Father in Heaven and your family and friends here on earth…there is me, out here in the blogsphere rooting for you. if you need a cheerleader, or an ear…call on me. please.
in my prayers…
March 19, 2008 at 12:42 am
You guys are going to make it through, and not only are you going to make it through,you are going to come out on the other end happy, enriched, and fulfilled. You are one of the most steadfast and faithful people I know. You will make it.
As my Duke likes to say, everything will work out, you will live through it, and that will probably be the worst part about it.
March 19, 2008 at 5:15 am
Things will work out. Praying for you.
We are struggling right now with the uncertianity of jobs & funding for next year. I’m just tired and ready for my husband to be done with school.
March 19, 2008 at 6:08 am
I feel your pain. It reminds me of the old saying about it being darkest before the dawn. It also brings to mind a quote by Pres. Hinckley (that I don’t have in front of me) that you need to be believing and that things will work out. He’s right, but I know it’s tough at the point where you’re having to just be beleiving.
March 19, 2008 at 7:12 am
It would be nice to be able to check out especially when as you much as you want there is nothing you can to do to fix it. It’s so hard when you can’t see the big picture just the tiny corner you are in right now. I know everything will work out for you! You’ll be in our thoughts and prayers.
March 19, 2008 at 8:52 am
You describe that feeling so perfectly…it brings up some unpleasant memories, but with them comes the pleasant realization that those times have passed. That there is calm beyond the chaos. It’s hard to believe that, caught up in the tumult, isn’t it? ~hugs~ Love you to bits!
March 19, 2008 at 9:25 am
This is a little like the post I wrote today. However I didn’t address the part where you have to watch others struggle. That is often harder for me than enduring my own struggles. It is wearing and and hard but we still keep moving forward. I just read a scripture (though I can’t remember where) that it is after our trial of faith that our prayers are answered. I just wish that some of those trials didn’t have to last so long before the answer.
March 19, 2008 at 9:33 am
My dear friend, how can I help??I am also my sisters keeper. Hang tough, kid. We will keep you in our prayers.
March 19, 2008 at 11:35 am
Oh Lucy,
I am not sure what to say, except please know that I am thinking of you, praying for you and cheering you on! My mom always told me about a friend of hers with 14 kids, whose favorite saying was “This too shall pass”.
March 19, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I think I can feel exactly what you are talking about. It’s so hard to feel so directionless and have someone you love struggling to figure out their own direction, which really does end up determining the direction for you and your family. The numbness you described is an all too familiar feeling for me as my husband and I have gone from decision to decision, job to school to job to school, etc…I can only imagine how much more complex that feels when you are dealing with a much wanted and still challenging (it always is…
pregnancy.
A few thoughts…first of all I was reminded of something President Eyring said at Pres. Hinckley’s funeral…he said that whenever he came to President Hinckley with a perplexing problem, he would invariably listen and then say, “Oh, it will all work out.” I’m sure the years of wisdom not to mention the prophetic assurance that he had certainly had taught President Hinckley that no matter how difficult, things do work out…eventually.
My second thought: I was reminded while reading your post of a talk by Pres. Packer (?) where he talks about taking a step into the darkness and even one beyond before the way is illuminated before us. I think that he was talking about faith and how we have to be willing to step into the dark at times in order for your faith to be strengthened, etc. When you described feeling like you were looking for any light ahead…it reminded me of this talk. I know that your faith will be rewarded, that the light will come and that the way will be made clear…I also know that getting there is scarry and challenging.
Please know that there are people out here, whom you’ve never even met, who are really praying and hoping for the best for you and your family.
March 19, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I have so many things I want to say to you, but I don’t know where to begin. I was happy to see Leslie’s comment from President Erying at President Hinckley’s funeral “Oh, it will all work out”. I know first hand, that it does. Through prayer, faith, (no pun intended) & hope- it will work out. Heavenly Father knows us, he knows our needs and wants. He knows what is best for us, and in the end, we are blessed for it. My Mother-in-Law has a picture. It’s a picture of Christ and it says “I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it”. When I am going through a trial, I say that to myself…alot.
Our prayers are with you.
March 19, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Oh, Lucy! What a heartbreaking post! Please know that we love you and are thinking about you. Here’s hoping that the sun will come out… soon. Love you!
March 19, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Hang in there!
March 19, 2008 at 1:40 pm
this post captured your emotions so well, and i can relate to your feelings, having experienced such agony before. when the lord told joseph smith, “these things shall be but a small moment,” it was really true–when you look back on this, you will be able to see the growth and the memory of the struggle for it will fade some. just hang in there. i know you can. heavenly father will help you and loves you more than any of your blogging friends even can! just keep looking towards him and know that soon the present will be the past.
March 19, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I’m so sorry things are in such turmoil right now. I know what those feelings feel like, and it’s not easy. But I know the Lord has and will continue to carry us through anything, if we trust Him.
Hang on!
March 19, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Lucy-girl - hang in there. One day at a time. Don’t let FEAR get the best of you either. False evidence appearing real. Sometimes we worry and fret over things that never come to pass - which take us away from what we should be doing. Love your family, husband, kiddos. Love you!
March 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm
And in the process of trying, you are a lovely inspiration to those around you. Thank you, Lucy, for such lovely thoughts today… they were much needed around my place.
March 19, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I remember too clearly what that feeling of complete belief that if i could just check out, just stop it all and that i would pick up where i left off after i shut down long enough to recharge my SOUL and once again show up for this thing called life. Im not sure if it was years of walking through the darkest alley a person could find, but after years of abuse,being a teenage runaway at 13, going into cardiac arrest at 18 being pronouced dead twice to having my first love abandon me and our son at 19, walking through drug and alcohol recovery for 13yrs, to losing another love, with a little girl now in my life at 25, trying faith and love one more time believing that the marriage of 5yrs was going to last forever only to have him walk out on my self and my two kids, after i became permently disabled due to bi-lateral foot surgery. from being a hairdresser for 17yrs. only 9months later he relized he wanted his family back, only he died 3months later, although i thought i knew my husband well the devistation came way after he died he was someone i never knew. Still i believed i could maybe some how shake this VERY DISORTED vision i had of life, the unthinkable happened, my own sister betrayed me beyond belief, after suffering a fall down 18 steps to my crapy apt. i finally brokedown i somewhere between waking up in the hospital the attending nurse recieved ALL my anger guilt humilliation fear dread hate sadness i had been holding in for the sake of my two creatures and at that point the doctors decieded for me that it was time for a break… NUT HOUSE was this it? was this my checkout time? After i finally cried in the middle of the phyc ward at 3am i thought theres no way im going out like this. Little did i know that with open arm my sister said the magic words “its okay go take care of yourself, get better dont worry the kids can stay with me. only 8months later she was singing a diffrent tune and decided she be a better parent then me, i knew better and reach deep inside this blackend heart and fought for my children and our life. Sounds good right? in this dedication to life and refusing to stop living, i did the un thinkable… I started seeing a family friend, believing that i just might triumph after all,i got preganant. and once again that little bit of hope was shattered. DADDY SPLIT. Although i was blessed on DECEMBER 25 th with the best chiristmas present a 7lb 3oz little boy. I at times still wonder how much faith can one person have with out wanting to check out. All i know sweetie is at 37 with 3 kids single im not ready to give up yet, neither are you
March 20, 2008 at 12:06 pm
i’m so sorry for al the stress. i’ve been keeping up on reading your blog but haven’t had time to comment and this one has to be a quick one too - but just know that i love you and am thinking about you, all of you. sounds like the disseration woes along with other life stress is just feeling like too much. i know you can’t pull out od circulation for a while like you want to but maybe you can just for an afternoon? have someone watch the kids so you can have some recovery time? i wish i were there to help! i’ll be here praying for you and thinking about you. you are a strong person and you’ve been through tough things before, God has a plan for you guys and knows that these are the steps He needs you to take to arrive at your reward! hang in there and know that you are not alone, even if you feel like it! love you!
March 20, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I love you. Hang on! Been in many places like you describe. Heavenly Father loves you too.
Love MOM
March 20, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I have been in such a position and know those feelings well, like most who have posted here.
I love the Greg Olsen picture you posted–I have one in my home. It was given to us after a very difficult trial. It hangs in my living room and I see it every day, but I think I am just really beginning to grasp it’s intended message even though I have had it for over 3 years. It is a great reminder of relying on the Lord’s tender mercies.
March 20, 2008 at 10:37 pm
I know things will all work out. Your prayers are heard.
Take care!
March 21, 2008 at 8:29 am
Does it help to know you aren’t alone? Here’s an online hug. 000000000000000
March 21, 2008 at 10:41 am
Oh, hang in there, sweetie. Everything seems harder and bleaker when you are pregnant.
It will work out!
March 21, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I wish I could just reach out and hug you! Keep on keeping on, and I will keep you in my prayers!
(((hugs)))
March 22, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Wow, how amazingly written. God bless you.
March 23, 2008 at 1:35 pm
We all feel that way sometimes. Just hang in there. Everything always works out somehow. Take care!
March 23, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I usually just want to walk away from myself somehow to gain a little better perspective! That never happens so…..! I just wade it out till it does work itself out! Or take a nap…whichever helps more!
March 24, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I wish you peace. I hope things get better soon.
March 24, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Wow, I couldn’t figure out how to verbalize that feeling, and you did it beautifully. I haven’t been here (or any other blogs) for a long, long time, and what timing. I’ve been waiting out my moment in bed, waiting until it’s time to do the next school run or gymnastics class. Mommy has a headache, I say.
Thank you.
March 25, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I would like to check myself out at least once a day. I can relate and to be honest it is comforting to hear someone else out there feels the same. Life is so messy. Wishing you a swift journey to your beacon.
March 26, 2008 at 7:19 am
This is my first time to your blog and I just want you to know that I can soooo relate. I commend you on your transparency - something that is very difficult for me to be…that pride issue of mine seems to get in the way too often! Thank you for just being you…it is such an encouragement to know that others struggle just like I do!
March 30, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I’m a friend of Within These Walls and then found you on another blog list through a totally different friend. Small world. I just have to say that I appreciate you coming out and admitting that stuff. It is very hard for me to do. I am almost finished with my 5th pregnancy and probably my last. Numbness and uncertainty snuck in from past trials and circumstances, and there have been many days where I just wanted to be invisible. I have another friend, a young mother, who has developed a disorder and has said the same thing. Eventually things get a little brighter and you feel like there’s direction in your life and that your prayers are being answered in the time Heavenly Father planned on. I hope you can find hope and then find faith -that’s a hard thing to understand sometimes.
March 31, 2008 at 10:59 pm
[...] down in tears. That is when I wrote the post on how I wished so badly I could just temporarily check myself out of life. Pregnancy hormones and seemingly horrible life circumstances can be a challenging [...]
April 27, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Been where you are…it’s hard being pregnant/hormonal and then having life throw you a curve ball when you feel least like you can handle it.
One of my favorite verses to meditate on when I’m struggling emotionally is 1 John 3:18-20: “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”
It was so helpful for me to realize that God knows the folly of our hearts and the strength of our emotions (especially negative ones). Truly, when we are depressed, our hearts condemn us, don’t they? Yet we must continue to love with actions and in truth. In spite of what our hearts tell us, we must press on to honor God—to speak life-giving words, to serve with the strength He provides—sometimes, just to smile when we don’t feel like it. In so doing, we can rest in God’s presence, knowing that even if we “feel” a certain way in our hearts, God does not condemn us for our feelings but rather commends us for serving Him in spite of it.
Will keep you in prayer.
Blessings,
Cindy
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