February 19, 2008...12:36 am
The Cool-Off Corner Revisited
Nearly 7 months ago I wrote a post entitled, “Works-For-Me: A Cool-Off Corner, Not Just A Time Out.” Since then this post has been viewed nearly 5,000 times.
I have really enjoyed the commentary that has followed this post, but recently I got an interesting response from “A Concerned Mom.”
I believe in teaching children to take responsiblity for his or her actions. I have found that this has helped my children make better decisions at an early age. I am concerned when reading this article that it doesn’t truly deal with the real problem. It doesn’t teach a child boundaries nor to respect himself or others. I have found that a quick little one two tap on the bottom works wonders and then sitting them in time out (with no perks to play with) to think about their wrong behavior. (If you don’t believe in a little tap or have a tendancy to not be able to control yourself then don’t do the tap on the bottom.) Just sit them in time out (with no perks). I have found that if I’ve reached my boiling point it’s because I as a parent have let it go on to long before dealing with my child. I always talk to my children after and help them to see their wrong behavior and make them say their sorry to mommy. Then I hug and kiss and say I forgive you and they go away happy and understanding that their behavior is not acceptable. Otherwise if they just sit in time out until they are happy and playing with all their cute little goodies you have just enabled them to continue on with their negative behavior. They have not learned their lesson, they haven’t realized that their behavior is wrong. Of course their happy because there were no consequences for their behavior . They got to sit there and play like nothing happened. Guess what! THEY WON - YOU DIDN’T! Think about it.
I don’t know if she only skimmed what I wrote, but I was a little taken aback by what she had so say about my supposed lack of parenting skills. Her last few sentences really threw me for a loop. I completely understand and respect the fact that we all parent our kids in different manners. I assume that we all normally try and find what works best for our personality and for the personality of our little ones.
And of course it is all about teaching respect. I expect my kids to respect me, and I in turn expect myself to respect my children.
Here’s what I had to say in response:
Dear Concerned Mom,
I, too, firmly believe in teaching my children to take responsibility for their own actions. I just choose to take a more positive approach to help them learn to change their behavior and manage their emotions that they are just beginning to learn to understand.
In no way am I allowing them to win because there is no battle we are even fighting. I am just helping them to realize that their behavior is not acceptable and there is no better way to get children to think in a positive manner than to do it on their own terms and in a nonthreatening environment. (Most of the the time, the kids don’t even play with their “goodies” until after they have cooled down. And even then, their “goodies” are very simple, security and comfort toys, not their favorite playthings. Please reference the article again.)
Children and adults need to take ownership for their thoughts and their actions. When they are done cooling off, we still talk about their behavior and help them accept proper consequences. Even us adults still need to learn to cool off in a positive and non violent way, especially since we don’t have other people to give us taps on the bottom or put us in time-outs.
Above all, each child is different and we as parents all need to find what works best in our family, while still positively respecting each other.
An Ordinary Mom
34 Comments
February 19, 2008 at 8:35 am
I shouldn’t be laughing, but I find this all too funny. I posted ages ago about the Wonder Pets, and how I hate them. Not the same concerned parent, but a parent who was apparently concerned, commented with a 3 page diatribe about why I was wrong, why the Wonder Pets are actually a good thing and why I should be encouraging my kiddos to watch them. I still don’t think I’m wrong, cuz I still hate the Wonder Pets and all they stand for.
Take it with a grain of salt-it takes some cajones (or serious insecurity) to get on a woman’s blog–something like going into her online home–and criticize her parenting so directly.
Maybe you could post next with a list of hobby suggestions or something more meaningful to fill up her time?
February 19, 2008 at 8:59 am
My, she really missed the point of the original post, didn’t she? That was very, very well put. I’ve actually shared the cool down corner idea with a few friends who are very, very grateful to you for posting about it!
February 19, 2008 at 9:21 am
You always have a way with words. It is sad that this parent doesn’t fully understand how effective this tactic can be.
February 19, 2008 at 9:33 am
I had to go back a quickly reread your original article, which was very good. To me you were not overindulgent or anything. It sounds like you came up with a great idea.
You also responded very well to “Concerned Mom”. Everyone *is* different and will do things differently. I love how you did not get overly offended and that you were very kind.
February 19, 2008 at 10:08 am
Your response is very good. Discipline seeks to correct behavior and teach a lesson. Punishment seeks only to control behavior. You have an excellant form of discipline.
However there are some children it wouldn’t work with and I was that type of child. Time out only worked for me when I lost all privileges and toys. I was also the kind of kid that just talking didn’t work with because after a few minutes I was tuned out. Usually, I didn’t learn my lesson unless some form of negative consquence was involved. Yes, I was a difficult child and hopefully your children are more compliant than I was.
February 19, 2008 at 10:14 am
The DeeZone,
Thanks so much for your input and your insight. I appreciate hearing yet another side of the story.
I completely agree that with some children this form of discipline won’t work. It worked like a charm for my daughter and I was exceptionally grateful that it did. I have hope that it will work for my son who just turned 3, but the jury is still out on that one
. Right now it would never work, but maybe in a few months. That is why I always try and gather as much information as I can about things, glean what I need, and then tweak it to my own circumstances.
An Ordinary Mom
February 19, 2008 at 10:38 am
Did you get a response back from your reply? I think it is great to offer a cool down time. I need to read the first one you wrote, but I loved your response.
Corrine
February 19, 2008 at 11:18 am
I always try to make sure my parenting tactics in some way mirror real adult situations. While some children (and adults) do require moments of more severe dicipline I think you have found a very lovely and smart way to help a child who isn’t really misbehaving but who is having trouble controlling themselves. As an adult there are times when I am just simply too tired, too busy, or too frazzled to do what I know I am supposed to be doing. I don’t want or choose to be that way. If my husband, or anyone else, were to try and “fix” my behavior with a reprimand or a punishment it would hurt me and my self esteem. I recently took a “time out” for myself and put myself “in a corner.” I was able, in that time alone, to relax and think things through on my own. It was MARVELOUS and I am “fixed.” I love your corner idea. It is a great way to help kids (and adults) learn that sometimes you need to take a break in order to regain control of yourself.
February 19, 2008 at 11:35 am
An Oridnary Mom,
In response to mine you brought out something that is important tweaking or adjusting discipline techniques for the situation or child.
DH
February 19, 2008 at 12:02 pm
What I like about this approach is that you are focusing on the positive, instead of shaming them into the good behavior. How does thinking about your wrongdoings ever help you feel/act better? That certainly doesn’t work for me as an adult!
And of course you should tweak and adjust parenting tips, because they are your children who you know best!
February 19, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Well, your post was merely a suggestion, you didn’t come out and say “I’ve got the end all be all solution, folks.” Sounds like maybe she needed to feel validated in her own approach to discipline. When we compare ourselves or grade ourselves based on another mother’s successes, we inevitably feel deflated. Whereas we should either feel confident in what is working for us or be open to suggestions like you offered.
February 19, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I too find it hard to believe someone would come to your blog and “critique” your parenting technique in such a way.
I liked Jennifer’s comment, that maybe next time you could list some suggestions for other things to fill up time for someone who has nothing better to do.
You are so diplomatic.
February 19, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I loved that post, but I haven’t instituted it. I actually do something similar with my son. He just gets banished to his bed. And he can’t come out until he’s calm.
I am surprised that someone would find fault with your ideas but then all children are different, as are all parents. Way to be nice!
February 19, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Maybe she didn’t read it carefully–funny how closely most of us agree on things but we often focus on small differences and blow those out of proportion.
February 19, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I think the cool-off corner is a great idea. However, I was the type of child that it would not have been very effective. Simply, because it is a special place with toys ect. I was the type of child who would have thrown a tantrum to get sent there if I wanted to get out of a task or activity. It could be possible that A concerned mom has that type of child. It sounds like your daughter is much more compliant than I was as a child.
February 19, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Hmmmm…..I went back and reread your original post and you covered all the angles of it pretty well. I wonder what she missed that caused that reaction. Every parent has to find the method that works for each individual child. Unfortunately, I’m part of the generation that was told “because I said so”, and I was guilty of using that on my own children from time to time. I wasn’t unreasonable or unfair, but it would have been helpful to have the enlightenment and resources that young parents have today.
February 19, 2008 at 5:48 pm
wow this person is interesting. the last sentence REALLY threw me for a loop too…since when is raising or diciplining children about “winning”??
skeeeeeeeeery!
February 19, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I just read you original post and want to thank you for such a well written and informative post. I can’t help but be reminded of the classic “go to your room” approach to handling bad behavior. It my not have a hip name like “time-out” but it works for me, for many of reasons you so eloquently outlined.
February 19, 2008 at 7:02 pm
I didn’t see the original post, but this was timely for me. Thank you for posting it. My son is older but might very well benefit from it!
February 19, 2008 at 9:59 pm
Recently after I found your website you posted the article about the cool down corner. I don’t know if you remember, but I emailed you some questions about it and then you responded and really helped me to clarify how to do it.
I tried it out for about a week and what I realized was that it ME that was the one that needed the cool down a whole lot more more than my daughter. I realized that when I punished in anger, she would absolute flip out, not cooperate and throw a huge temper tantrum.
But if I was completely calm myself, then she would remain calm as well. So I’ve made a goal for myself to (try as hard as possible) never to discipline in anger.
I also learned from a parenting course that when you are at the height of your anger, you are also at the lowest possible point in your judgment and rational abilities.
I have learned through experience that children’s emotions a mirror of the parents emotions. If the child is out of control, it is because the parent is out of control somewhere in their life. When the parent addresses their own issues of self-control, they immediately pass on the gift of modeling self-control to their children.
http://mudspice.wordpress.com
February 19, 2008 at 10:48 pm
I loved the idea of the cool down corner and I think your are teaching Kerri a valuable tool she’ll be able to use all her life. The difference between discipline and punishment is important. The idea of who is winning is focusing on punishing not teaching.
February 19, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Wow! I loved your original post. My daughter has a very similar temperment to your daughter. She is usually kind, mild mannered and considerate, but she is prone to those same types of break downs occasionally. I wish I would have read this post years ago. We’ve kind of evolved into the cool-off corner on our own. I think my kids just need a breather sometimes as well.
In regards to your, “Concerned Mom,” I wish as Mom’s we could all just rally around each other and try not to judge. We all know this can be an exhausting and challenging job and when issues like this arise, we need support! We are all just trying to do our best and hoping that our kids won’t need lots of counseling down the road. Knowing you and your children personally I can say first hand that you are one of the best mother’s I know. I think I will just continue to follow your lead.
February 20, 2008 at 6:34 am
i like what mudspice said. a child mirrors adult behavior. i do have to disagree with allowing them to have a few soft toys. if my kids had something to play with, regardless of what it was, when they had cooled down, they would not remember what it was they did to have to do and sit there. i also use the word consequence rather than punishment. if they choose to act badly, then the consequence is that they have to sit in time out, get something taken away…etc.
kids are so different!! as a child i would get upset when my bros and sis’s were treated differently than i was. i didn’t realize that we are all so different. and if this helped your child calm down, and she understands what got her to that place, then fine. it works. we don’t all have your daughter. how would we know what you’ve been trying and her temprament? i don’t think “concerned mom” was that concerned. more of trying to tell you that you were wrong.
i have to admit that many times it is about “winning” in my head. even as a kid, if i didn’t cry when my mom spanked me, then i won because i knew that she wanted me to cry and be upset. isn’t that sad?? it is hard to change that mentality. i’m still working on it and i’m almost 30!!!
February 20, 2008 at 7:58 am
An Ordinary Mom,
Thanks for letting me re-post “Works-For-Me: A Cool-Off Corner …” Here is a link to it http://www.homeschoolbenefits.org/posts_2008-02-20.php
DH
February 20, 2008 at 8:20 am
Wow. Your response (and the original post) were very even-handed and don’t show a lack of parenting skills at all. You are totally right - each child and each situation and every mom is different. Time out hasn’t been very effective with my kids, although I believe in the concept wholeheartedly. I feel it’s my job - and gift - as their personal mom to figure out what will help them modify behavior.
I do have a thought for the concerned mom - I don’t think parenting is about the mom “winning” over the children. It’s about helping them understand we’re all on the same team. Also, making them apologize isn’t necessarily a good way to go. A sassy and insincere “Sorry!” coming from a child who thinks that saying sorry to mommy and enduring a “tap tap” is all he has to do to be on his merry way could spell trouble, too, because if he’s gone through all the motions of the reconciliation just like you taught him, how do you explain that you don’t think he really means it?
All in all, however, when I stop and think, discipline is a very personal subject, and except in the case of abuse (in which concern should not only be voiced but acted on), we just need to let everyone be. To each his own.
February 20, 2008 at 11:17 am
This is so interesting. I don’t feel that putting my son in a corner is really accomplishing much. When he is throwing a tantrum I tell him he can go to his room because I don’t like to hear the noise. If he does not go I ask him if he wants to go on his own or if he wants me to take him. Usually he will go on his own at that point. I tell him he is welcome to join us again when he is done with his tantrum. He cries for awhile and then comes back out saying “I’m done crying now.” I got this idea from the Parenting with Love and Logic book. I like the idea of a cool off corner and will have to think about it and look into the idea some more. Thanks!
February 20, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I think you’re right on. Discipline is all about teaching not punishing. You can’t teach when you or the child are upset.
February 20, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I must admit - I’m a little turned off number one by the fact that she hits and also by the fact that she forces them to apologize to her. Neither of those things are helping them understand and acknowledge their wrongful behaviors - if anything they foster resentment and anger towards her from her children. Maybe it’s not manifesting itself in an obvious way, or right now, but it is or it will.
I think before she tries to give advice to you, who are obviously doing a great job from what I’ve read thus far, she should reevaluate her own parenting techniques. Just my two cents.
I come off all hostile and manic on my very first comment, don’t I? *lol* Found you via Cre8 buzz.
February 20, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Lazy Organizer,
You are totally right about discipline.
DH
February 20, 2008 at 3:58 pm
[...] Works-For-Me: A Cool-Off Corner, Not Just A Time-Out Jump to Comments **Edited to add: There is even more discussion about this positive discipline approach on a more recent post entitled The Cool-Off Corner Revisited.** [...]
February 21, 2008 at 2:01 pm
[...] Recipes The Cool-Off Corner Revisited [...]
February 24, 2008 at 3:43 pm
You handled that with grace. Like you said, every child is different. You found what works with yours.
March 3, 2008 at 11:07 am
Wow, I feel like I have learned a lot just reading your original post and all the comments. I have two boys, aged nearly 6 and 3 1/2. (I also have a 1 yr old daughter, but she is thankfully still in the “cute baby” stage!
)My oldest’s personality could be described as “intense”…my younger son is more mellow, but being a preschooler, still has his moments! Traditional “time-outs” definitely don’t seem to work in our house - they DO feel more like a punishment. Inevitably, whenever I feel the need to put one of them in time out a battle will ensue - and the whole experience often ends up making me feel more anger than the original wrongdoing! I end up feeling like I have to “conquer” my child in order to serve justice, rather than what SHOULD be happening, which is guidance and teaching. (Anyone else relate??)
I think a “cooling-off corner” may be just what the boys need (particularly my oldest, who can tantrum for what seems an eternity!). I think I’ll set one up today…
Also, thank you for suggestion Jane Nelsen’s book. I’ll be looking that up at my library.
My question is this: how do I deal with the really horrible behavior - not the tantrums or outbursts? I mean when one purposely hurts the other, or deliberate destructive behavior? Does anyone have any experience with whether the cooling-off corner works for these as well? I am interested in your suggestions…
March 4, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I think this is a brilliant idea…one that would work wonders with my five year old. And one that would backfire faster than a ‘72 Dodge Dart on my eight year old! ha!
Several women have commented that this approach would not have worked on them. It’s beautiful to see so many who are self-aware enough to understand the challenges their own families had, and to apply those challenges to parenting their children now.
DS-5 does beautifully with some time on his own to calm down when he’s angry…usually his anger stems from his own behavior, and he does not like the feelings he has when he knows he has been mean or disrespectful.
DD-8 is a different animal…she is my scary smart little Asperger’s child. I hope to one day find something that works for her
In the meantime we will all do the best we can with what we have, will be grateful that the good Lord only gives us what HE knows we can handle (clearly our opinions on this subject are irrelevant! lol!!), and keep plugging ahead.
Keep up the good work mom!
~Jenny
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