Agonizing. Difficult. Exhausting.
There is no doubt about it, grief is a harrowing process, no matter what angle you approach it. Even though grief is universal in the sense that it touches all humankind, the way we each feel and deal with grief is unique to every individual, kind of like how every snowflake that falls to the earth has its own unique crystal shape.
Gratefully I have been blessed with a firm and unwavering belief in God. Understanding that there is life after death and coming to learn to accept the Lord’s grace and tender mercies in all forms have really helped me deal with my own losses.
Does this make my grief easy then? Absolutely not. There is still a process that must be taken, but at least it helps me cope with the burdens I have been given.
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on the way you look at it, I have never needed to attend a funeral. However, I am still quite acquainted with grief and loss in the form of miscarriages. I have lost 5 precious souls this way, the most recent being this last summer. In fact, at times, I still feel like I am in recovery mode.
It is devastating. It is emotional. It is heartbreaking.
At some points the pain even seems like it will never let up and that it is going to pierce you and torment you forever. But with time, and the love of God, and the help of close friends and family, the aching eventually subsides. It never seems to completely go away, but at least the hurt will turn into more of a dull and numbing sorrow as opposed to the excruciating pain you had become so familiar with.
Learning to process and accept your loss is probably one of the first steps you will go through when experiencing grief. It helps me to be able to express my raw feelings to a close friend or family member, but only if they are able to sincerely listen and validate my feelings without offering too much advice on how to just move on. And if I am not in the mood to talk, recording my thoughts in a journal also helps me come to terms with the pain I am feeling.
It is especially helpful to be able to communicate directly with others who have had similar experiences. They are able to lend you strength to help you get through your ordeal. It is extremely comforting to know that you are not the only one out there who has felt such an intense loss.
Finding simple joys and pleasures in life, even if they are only momentary distractions, also helps ease the pain. For example, taking a warm bubble bath, losing yourself in a good book, or enjoying a cup of good hot chocolate with a special someone in your life will help relieve your mind for a little while.
Since I have had to endure so many miscarriages, I often get asked what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing the loss of their unborn child. I know we all deal with grief differently and we also all find comfort differently, but make sure you avoid the following phrases, even if they are true. The person racked with grief probably doesn’t want to hear them yet:
- “You can always try and have another.”
- “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
- “Maybe this is for the best.”
- “There must have been something wrong with the baby.”
- “Be grateful for the children you do have.”
Some helpful phrases are:
- “I am sorry for your loss.”
- “Is there something I can do to help? Can I bring a meal or watch your children?”
- “I am here for you if you need me.”
One of the most important things is to listen intently to the person who is grieving and follow the cues they are giving. If they want to talk and cry, welcome them with open arms. If they want to be left alone, then respect their wishes. Remember just to be their friend and check in with them periodically through emails or voice-mails to see if you are needed. And please, don’t just completely ignore the situation and pretend it never happened.
How do you cope with your own grief?
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For more ideas and ways on how to deal with grief, please visit Morning Glory and Lei who host the forum Woman to Woman.
You did a tremendous job at approaching this subject. It’s great that we can learn from each other and although our struggles are all different we can still help and support each other. I especially liked your advice on what you should and shouldn’t to someone who has just experienced a miscarriage.
I am so sorry that you have had to endure 5 miscarriages. I am well aquainted with grief as well—we had a stillborn son 3 years ago. You did a great job explaining such a difficult thing to deal with.
It is interesting to me that you have brought this up right now–we (FINALLY!!) had our baby last week and her birth was wonderful and happy and yet brings up the painful memories of our son.
Grief is a difficult reality of life and you did a good job talking about it!
This was so beautifully honest with such raw emotion. I think sometimes the best forms of support I have received was when a friend, sister, or family member has just cried with me. I loved your helpful suggestions on helping people cope with this kind of loss. When my Mom was first diagnosed with MS she had a friend call and say, “Maybe if you would have prayed and read your scriptures more this wouldn’t have happened.” To my outrage my kind mother responded that at least her friend called and said something, she had many friends not even call for fear of saying the “wrong thing.” I still think maybe this friend shouldn’t have picked up the phone that day.
Lisa – I can’t believe what your mom’s “friend” said to her. That is unbelievable! People can be so insensitive. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people do think that grief comes because of punishment and sin. That is not the case. God also gives us tribulation to build character and because He loves us.
A good way to deal with grief is to cry. Crying makes you less numb. Makes you know you’re alive. Hold on, take it one day at a time. And pray a lot too.
Excellent words and suggestions! I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this kind of loss. It must be terribly frustrating, yet your faith and sense of peace ring through loud and clear. This was so well said and I thank you for sharing it today.
We love you Lucy and are grateful for your testimony. Thanks for the beautifully written post.
I, too, appreciate your raw honesty as well as your tips for what to say to someone dealing with grief. I think human nature is to try and fix the problem, rather than offering the support so badly needed. I admire you for talking about it. It’s not an easy thing to do, and I think you’re amazing for doing so. Thanks for sharing your testimony and faith. I love you!
And I think people who say things like “you should have prayed more” haven’t had enough trials to know that prayer, though calming and very important, isn’t likely to take the trial away. Sometimes I wish it worked that way…
I have always been inspired by your constant faith and endurance through your trials. Even more than that, I’ve always admired the way you have gracefully responded to those that offend you in your times of grief (I hope I’ve never been one, but I’m often clumsy with my words).
This is a well written and thought out post. Thank you. You are right, it never really goes away. I think it is better for me to talk about it now, but at first I just didn’t want to have it brought up again. Having my other children around me and happy really helped me. It actually helped me a lot to talk to my 5 year old and explain what happened. I have no idea why. I was also helped A LOT by a priesthood blessing!
What a beautiful post. I just found your blog yesterday and I’m delighted to have found it! It’s great to find someone willing to share their hardships and their faith.
I am so very sorry for your losses.
I don’t know why people think one child replaces another when they make comments about trying again or being grateful for your other children. Would they trade their younger child to keep their older one? Or the implication that an imperfect baby wouldn’t be loved as deeply as a perfect child…oy vey. I’m sorry you have heard those types of comments too. I think sometimes people don’t realize the loss of personhood that is experienced when a mother loses her child, no matter how young he or she was.
This was a wonderful, informative post, that is very helpful for me right now.
I’m so sorry for your losses.
“I am here for you if you need me.” – these words are always welcome. It lets the person know that you care and gives them a chance to lean on you when they are ready.
For me the grieving process includes crying, remembering, and praying all while taking baby steps to keep my own life moving forward.
About a year before I got pregnant with my son, I miscarried. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until it was too late, but I was still devastated. I told very few people, not even my own mother, because I was afraid to hear the insensitive things people say.
One thing that has helped me is that if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have the two babies I have now. They mean the world to me.
This is a wonderful, heartfelt post!
Excellent, excellent advice. I competley agree! And I’m always sad when I hear that one of God’s choice mothers experiences this over and over… (((hugs))).
That’s wonderul advice, exprsesed in a wonderful way. ~hugs~
A wonderful hearfelt post with wonderful advice. You don’t know how many women you have touched by sharing your exeperience. I experienced miscarriage with a set of twins during my younger years. Our children that we lost will always be a part of our hearts and our lives. I’m sending you a BIG ((((HUG)))).
Have a wonderful week filled with lots of love and laughter!
Angela
Wow, the strange thing about this post is that LAST NIGHT I lay in bed, wide-awake, thinking that I needed to write a post about what to say and not to say to someone who’s had a miscarriage. Seriously. And what I was writing in my head is just what you wrote. I guess we must be on the same wave-length. I only went through this once, but it was one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “It happens to a lot of women” or “It’s for the best”, and it DOESN’T help. Wonderful post.
Thank you, thank you….I’ve learned so much from this.
Thank you for writing this, it’s beautiful, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through 5 miscarriages. I had one last April and it still hurts, but I’m glad it happened when it did. I would rather go through that than lose a living child. I’ve watched my parents bury four children, and that was hard.
I totally agree with your list of things not to say. It’s nice to say something to show you care, but think carefully about your choice of words.
Amazing words of wisdom. I’m so sorry that you have lost so many precious babies.
When my son died, I found journalling helped get through the initial stages of grief. After that I would say not bottling up your emotions and just allowing yourself to feel sad if you need to. That and finding just one other person who you can talk to about how you feel.
For such a private subject, you wrote this beautifully and obviously so very honestly about how you dealt with and continue to deal with your own pain. Thank you for sharing what must have been very difficult to write.
Thanks for sharing your heart. I am truly sorry that you have had to endure such loss.
So terribly sorry for your loss and suffering. I will keep your family in prayer. Words really don’t suffice sometimes.
Prayinf for your strength and comfort.
Maria
Thanks for the post. I loved your ideas of what to say and do. It’s often hard to know. I loved that you said to not ignore it. I usually do that when I don’t know what to say and that’s the worst. So thanks.
I’m truly sorry for your losses.
(((((HUGS))))) I Love you
I am amazed at the strength you offer others even when you are suffering. I know, I have been on the receiving end of your service and love. Thank you for your post, for your honesty, and for being you.
I know the feeling. I just lost mine 2 days ago and I thought I would be ok, but coming home and seeing the the little things my mommy bought for our baby and the registry my heart just broke. Now I must deal with it and with the glaring eyes of others as well as not so great advice. Not only that but also with my partner who has lost himself in work and anger. I don’t know how to reach out to him.
Someone I know really well , just lost the baby early . I think I feel the same pain the mother as .
I feel like crying everytime I see a picture of a baby . I was really excited . Taken away too soon.
Keeping postive . I have an Angel watching over me and that strengthens me to get through this .
There is a reason for everything and I must find that out
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I miscarried twins in December 2012 at age 24. I knew I was pregnant for 4 days and from the beginning of knowing, it was obviously not meant to be. My ex, that got me pregnant, wanted nothing to do with me or our babies… so he left me high and dry. I found out that he was taking anabolic steriods along with HGH (Human Growth Hormone). He wanted me to have an abortion, saying that these drugs could cause a serious birth defects. (My OBGYN later told me it would have been a very low risk factor). When I told him that I was going to carrry out the pregnancy he started calling me a bad mother, and calling me selfish. This is a controversy that I believe made me the least bit selfish. I was also an RH Negative pregnancy which means that my body creates antibodies to fight off any other blood type that is not my own, A-. It fought off my babies blood types and in final, I misscarried. The solution for an RH Negative pregnancy is to get a shot, a common one is RoGam which I got in the ER (But I was already in the process of misscarrying) then if the pregnancy followed I would get it at 28weeks, and then again after labor. Losing a life, or in my case two lives, was the most traumatic experience I have personally been through. I have had loved ones die, and I have been through alot in life… but this topped it all. I had family and friend support, thank God, but no one could seem to help me. I have never been more depressed in my life, and did not want to become dependant on antidepressants… so it took me about 2 months to finally see a doc. to get them prescribed (after the fact that my condition was not only affecting me at home, but also at work). I was prescribed Zoloft. I was told that this perticular drug was the easiest to wein off of with the least amount of side affects compared to other medication. Once again, personal… but this helped me out beyond belief. I was myself again within a month of taking this. It is July 19th, 2012 today…. and I am happy to say that I am now 19 weeks and 1 day pregnant at age 25. Unexpected… but I know it is meant to be this time. I have one baby, and always have the thought in my mind if my first pregnancy was the only chance I had to carry twins. I will never forget my first two babies… even though I only knew about them for 4 days, I knew exactly what I had to do…. I instantly turned into a Mother. Nothing else mattered but those babies, and if you are meant to have children, do not be discouraged by a traumatizing miscarriage. 80% of pregnant woman miscarry within the 1st trimester… you are not alone. Things will get better, everything happens for a reason. It is okay to cry. Crying out and expressing your feelings is healthy… and a step to getting better. Don’t hold it in, talk with your friends, or family, and/ or doctor. No one will judge you, for when you miscarry it is not your fault. It is God’s way of letting you know that it is not time, that something wrong was going to come out of this. It is a blessing to experience being a future Mommy… and I hope for the best of all women that miscarry. Keep your head up, and stay strong!