Works-For-Me: A Cool-Off Corner, Not Just A Time-Out

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**Edited to add:  There is even more discussion about this positive discipline approach on a more recent post entitled The Cool-Off Corner Revisited.** 

My daughter was one of those angel babies, one of those infants that every parent envies. When she turned two, we didn’t encounter the terrible twos. When she hit three, life was still quite manageable. Yes she threw her tantrums like any other child, but she was relatively calm, mild-mannered and obedient. We felt extremely blessed to have her in our lives.

However, when she was almost 4 1/2 years old we hit a HUGE bump in the road and I didn’t know if I was going to survive. Where did my sweet and angelic little girl go? Where had we gone wrong as parents? What do we do now?

All of the sudden my darling child was throwing gargantuan tantrums where she would just scream, flail, whine and cry. What triggered these outbursts? There was no apparent rhyme or reason. Sometimes she lost control because it was time to leave the park to head home and other times it was because we told her she couldn’t have a treat until after dinner.

We tried a lot of different approaches to help her cope with all of these pent up emotions and to help her change her behavior, but nothing seemed to be working. Typical time-outs were ineffective, ignoring the outburst didn’t help, gently trying to talk her through things didn’t make a dent in the situation, and of course me flying off the handle because I was so incredibly frustrated I just couldn’t take it anymore also didn’t help things improve. Granted at this point in our life we had a lot going on and I am sure some of these external circumstances and life changes contributed to the dilemma, but I knew there had to be a way to help my precious little girl get over this hurdle in her life.

After poring over a myriad of parenting books and websites and after talking to every mother and father I knew, both young and old, we finally found a solution that worked for us. The idea came out of Jane Nelsen’s book entitled “Positive Discipline for Preschoolers,” but of course I tweaked her suggestion a little to make it work better for our family.

The key point is to treat time-out as a positive win/win experience by calmly allowing the child to cool-off so they can change their behavior.

“Many frustrated parents are learning that punishment, even when it’s as nonviolent as time-out, simply does not work. So many children … resist and rebel. You are engaged in a typical power struggle. You are trying to make him understand that you mean business, but he is letting you know that so does he. The only way you can win is to make him the loser. Try ‘positive’ time-out for a win/win experience.

“Believe it or not, time-out need not be a punishing confinement or a battle of wills between parent (or teacher) and child. Positive time-out, effectively used, is an opportunity for children to feel better. And when children feel better, they behave better. Thinking of it as a cool-off rather than a time-out may help.”

Jane Nelsen then gave an example in her book. I know this might be a lot to quote, but it very effectively gets the point across:

“The time-out corner at Willy’s preschool is a special place. All of the children had worked together to set it up, and it boasts an old-fashioned claw-footed bathtub filled with soft pillows, several teddy bears, and a stack of inviting books.

“Willy was busily engaged in tripping the unsuspecting children who passed his spot on the floor. This amusing game came to a sudden end, however, when he tried to trip the teacher.

“‘Willy,’ the teacher said, ‘I thought we talked about tripping. Someone could fall and get hurt.’

“Willy looked a bit sheepish - they had discussed this habit of his several times recently - but his only response was a sullen silence.

“The teacher smiled, ‘Perhaps you’d feel better if you visited the time-out corner. Go curl up and look at the books for a little while, and you can come back and play with us when you feel better and can change your behavior.’

“Willy spent almost ten minutes curled up in the old tub, looking at books and watching his classmates play. When he returned to the group, the teacher asked, ‘Feeling better kiddo? No more tripping?’

“Willy nodded and offered a tentative smile. ‘Come and join us, then,’ the teacher offered, and Willy moved to join the group.”

Jane Nelsen then concludes:

“Some parents and teachers believe that making a time-out corner inviting and pleasant rewards children for misbehavior. However, wise adults realize that all people have moments when they just can’t seem to get along. A few moments in positive time-out (when it’s not shaming or punishing) provides a cooling-off period, and children know they’re welcome to return when they can get along and behave properly.

“We invite you to see for yourself. Help your children set up a cozy corner in their rooms for positive time-out. You may want to include favorite stuffed toys, books, music, or coloring books and markers. Then, when you sense your child needs a moment to cool off, suggest a time-out. Tell your child that he can return when he feels better and is able to follow the rules. Notice, that the end result is to ‘return when he is able to change his behavior.’

“Punitive time-out is ‘past-oriented.’ It may make children suffer for what they have done, but parents and teachers might be surprised if they checked out the decisions (conscious or unconscious) that children are making for the future. Positive time-out is ‘future-oriented’ and encourages children to make positive decisions about self-control and responsibility - training that will benefit both of you as your child grows older.”

After reading this, I was a bit skeptical, but at this point I was willing to try anything. Therefore we created a cool-off corner for my daughter, but we didn’t refer to it as a time-out. When she would start getting upset, we would calmly ask her to go to her cool-off corner so she could settle down and we told her when she could change her behavior she was more than welcome to come out. Sometimes we had to carry her to her corner and then shut the door to the room to drown out her shrieking, but eventually she always calmed down and came out happy. Sometimes she was in her cool-off space for a few minutes, other times it was for nearly an hour. When she returned cheerful and ready to move on with life, we would then have a brief conversation about what had happened.

Her cool-off corner consisted of a few pillows, a blanket and her cool-off basket. In the basket we had a stuffed animal, a musical toy, a soft taggie, a silkie blanket, a mood puzzle, a koosh ball, a stress ball to squeeze and some shaker toys. We told her if she needed to hit something she could hit her pillows. We also told her to scream into her pillows as loud as she could to let her emotion out.

Within 6-8 weeks we were no longer using the cool-off corner and we haven’t really had a horrid outburst since that frustrating time period nearly a year ago. I know every child responds to discipline differently, but this is what saved us. When my younger son gets a little older, we are going to try this same tactic with him.

Some other positive discipline parenting tools that Jane Nelsen discusses in her book are:

• Selective attention: ignoring the behavior, not the child; resisting manipulation
• Acceptance: holding without becoming hooked
• Consequences and solutions
• Follow-through
• Kindness and firmness
• Humor and laughter

I didn’t read this book cover to cover, but I definitely gained a wealth of knowledge from the parts I did study. I was especially intrigued by part two of the book, “Understanding Your Growing Child - and Yourself.” Reading this section helped me to better understand what goes on in the heads of little children.

For more Works-For-Me-Wednesday: The Great Parenting Advice Edition ideas, please visit Shannon of Rocks In My Dryer.

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